My husband calls me weird

Like an American Express commercial, only not really

Doctor visits copay: $25

Number of visits: 3

Number of illnesses (just for Sophia): 4 
(bronchiolitis, double ear infections, stomach flu and pink eye)

Costs of prescriptions: Can't add that high

The vodka chilling in my freezer: Priceless

(And Sophia wants to give a shout out to her main squeeze Connor, Happy First Birthday!!!!)

(Go wish him a wonderful day! Or else pink eye boogies to you!)

My Diet

Yesterday I ate, in no particular order. 3 cookies, two brownies, a heaping pile of cheesy potatoes and a bowl of ice cream.

Yeah, things are going *that* well. I will spare you the details, but I'm waiting for Calgon to take me away.

How have you been?

I don't think so

So last night I was watching some boob tube and laying kinda lifeless in the Lazy Boy chair. At commercial break, this dancing couple a la Dancing With the Stars comes on. They twirl about and the man lifts the woman up in the air and suddenly starts coughing. With the woman just kind of hanging there, legs over his shoulders, the man asks for a Ricola (Riiiiiicoooooolllllaaaaa. Sorry, could help myself.) lozenge. Obviously this would never happen in "real life". I mean despite the obvious reason why, what man in his right mind would stop with his head between a woman's legs to ask for a cough drop?

And if a man really did stop, with head between the legs to ask for a lozenge, well then that woman better start..........

Nevermind. I'm just not going to go there. Even I have some blog morals.

(Shut up. I can hear you laughing all the way over here.)

When 9 month olds have their own agenda

We got our family portrait done a few weeks ago. Some for presents, others to be included in Christmas cards. Apparently someone forgot to clue in Sophia that it was family photo time and that there were expectations on sitting still. Either that or she's just too stubborn to care. Knowing my daughter, it's most likely the latter.

 

Fifteen

Taylor Swift is the latest 19 year old IT girl and country music star sensation. She's super cute and bubbly with ear candy kind of music that makes you kind of sick to the stomach after awhile from the sheer sweetness. In her latest song, Fifteen, she belts out to look before you fall, blah, blah, and at fifteen you don't know who you are.

Really? At at nineteen you know who you are? Fuck, at almost 30 (in about 4 months, mark your calendars!) I have no clue who I am. Still. I'm looking, and everyday I find out a little bit about myself that I never knew. That said, I think that is life. I don't think you can truly know who you are and what you are made of until you have actually lived. And at 15 or 19 or 30, you haven't lived life enough to know. At each bump or detour you learn something about yourself that you didn't know existed. When my mom died, I learned I am a hell of a lot stronger then I ever thought.

I can't help it. I have to turn off her song when it comes on. I mean, thank fucking God, she isn't another Miley Cyrus, but still at nineteen you don't know fuck. Life is harder. Life is more challenging, life is more wonderful and special than you can ever expect at nineteen. Hell, I'm still figuring this out. Maybe I need to redo the song. Retitle it "Almost Thirty". 

I bet after reading this you'd still wish I was on break

I am completely addicted to Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. Problem being that I suck sweaty donkey balls at it. I can't even get 150,000 to kick Ken's ass. Mark my words, I will win.

I bought a memory foam mattress topper. Those fuckers aren't cheap, but worth every damn penny. I never want to leave my bed now.

I'm making most everyone's Christmas presents. I am so far behind. What was I thinking. Think an IOU would suffice? "I owe you one crappy homemade Christmas present. Enjoy this family photo instead."

I need to buy myself some new sexy underwear. My granny under-roos even bore me to tears. Comfy, but not exactly porn thought inducing.

I had totally forgotten how funny National Lapoon's Christmas Vacation was.

What's up with my boobs? Seriously, if they hung any lower I would trip over them.

Hi. Hi. Uh-oh. Hi. Yeah, yeah yeah. Hi. Meow. Hi. Oh, wait. You're not Sophia. Sorry.

Aaron has the lead in the Christmas play. And I didn't find out for almost a week and a half after he found out. At the parent-teacher conference. Guess who looked like the stupid parent? (I am so excited and nervous for him!)

Missed me? You better have. Life without me is like life without chocolate. Or beer.

It's not you, it's me

I'm going to be taking a little holiday break. Hopefully I will be back after the craziness is over with or if something happens that I have to share with you or shit my pants.

Really, it's not you, it's me. I don't want to be that girl that comes on over for a pitty fuck and doesn't stay for the cuddling. You deserve more than that. You deserve the cuddling and whispers of sweet nothings. If that's not love then I don't know what is.

Have a wonderful Turkey day to all my US peeps and to everyone else, hell, bake a turkey this Thursday for the hell of it. Do it for the delicious stuffing and mashed potatoes. You can thank me later.

From the Editor

Dear Bibby Chick Walking Down the Street,

Repeat after me, tights are not pants. Say it again. Tights are not pants. Seriously, my eyes will never be the same again,

Unsincerely  yours,
Nikki (that bitch covering her eyes as she walked by you)

Dear Diet Coke,

I cannot quit you. Can we work on an IV line please? This whole lifting cup up to drink thing is really wasting my time.

Thanks a bunch,
Nikki

Dear Parents of Soph's Daycare,

We all share the drop off zone. The parking is limited. Please stop fucking taking up more than one parking space. You make me want to gouge your eyes out with an ice pick and then teach you how to properly parallel park.

Unsincerely yours,
Nikki (that bitch giving you the evil death glare as she drives by because you took up all the available parking spaces)

Dear Sophia,

I love you more than life itself, but please for all that is holy on pumpernickel bread, stop that ear piercing scream when you don't get what you want. And despite how awful your scream is, you are still going to wear your hat. It's 30 degrees outside. Deal with it.

Love you,
Mommy

Dear Left Over Halloween Candy,

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on that you lost your virginity to.

Unsincerely yours,
My hips and ass

A cure perhaps?

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with a case of the bat shit crazies. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. Needless to say, I called the doctor and they ordered me up some mighty fine shit. 

Speaking of help, enjoy the video. Don't give me that look. Yes, it's another video. What's your point? Besides you can thank me after you watch the video.

You're welcome.

She Speaks!!!

Tell me you aren't melting as you are watching this. If your not, then obviously kittens and puppy dogs do nothing to your hardened heart. You're like Gargamel of the Smurf world and deserve a lifetime of wedgies that can't be picked out. So there. Bastard.